Primary in the pursuit of dating and building a healthy relationship is a pivotal role for first date questions: viewed as a kind of relationship blueprint formed a very long time before our first date was even contemplated.
As far back as our early childhood years, even before we could talk or understand language, the experiences and impressions we gathered from parents, caretakers, siblings – our first relationships – formed the critical cornerstones of our adult emotional life. As children, we are like little sponges — absorbing everything we hear, see, feel…. later to be used as our ultimate point of reference for conducting our relationship with others. The right date for you– the one who’s worthy of your devotion – will have had the seeds of his or her emotional maturity planted years, perhaps even generations before you ever meet them.
Early experience helps to form relationship blueprint
Of critical importance in the area of dating advice is how we approach relationships, our relationship with our parents/family, as well as the relationship between our parents (which we will tend sooner or later to re-create in our own romantic relationships): how did they treat each other? Were they loving to each other or did they bicker or yell a lot? Were mom and dad respectful of each other, or did they demean the other? Were there alcohol, abuse, neglect or violence issues? Did each parent spend quality time with you and tell you things that reinforced your self-confidence, your self-worth? How was the communication in the family? Were there topics and issues that never got talked about? Did mom and dad set good limits and boundaries, or did you see, overhear and experience things that children should never have to? Did you all rally around the supper table together at the end of a day or were mom and dad seldom available due to work and other commitments? How was discipline handed out in your family? Were parents fair, unpredictable or overly punitive? Were there siblings in the family? Older/younger? How were you treated by the them? How did mom and dad treat you relative to your sibs? Did you experience your parents’ marital harmony or the scary and confusing turmoil of divorce and its unpredictable aftermath?
These kinds of early experiences provide a child a kind of relationship blueprint from which all other relationships will be formed for a lifetime. Thus, the proper early emotional experience determines the probability of a child being able to develop future healthy – or unhealthy – relationships.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Waq1ykX2uRw
And let’s not forget mental illness — a lot of which can run in families: Strategic first date questions should aim to reveal whether mom or dad have a family history of depression, anxiety, bipolar (manic depression) disorder, thought disorder like schizophrenia?
As you can see, there’s a lot of ingredients that go into the formula of the social/emotional cake batter. And like any cake, once it’s baked, it’s done. Thus, if you didn’t put enough sugar in that batter before cooking….. it’s never going to be a sweet thing. So, make sure you ask the right, creative first date questions on that first date. First date conversation should strive to determine how your date grew up, what experiences they had at parent knee during the “critical-window” period of early childhood, who their parents were emotionally, and most importantly what impact resulted (e.g. “I hated my mother/father”, “I hardly ever talk to my brother”); then you have a strong leg up on making a good decision whether or not to proceed down this particular dating road, and so avoiding future relationship problems. Picking the right partner is not totally a matter of luck if you apply a little strategic interest.
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In the next post I will discuss in greater detail the territory of strategic first date questions.
Successful dating.
